I love Michael, or rather I want to love Michael. Were it not for how badly things ended with Chris and how hurt I was in the process I probably would fall in love with Michael rather easily. That’s not to say that I want to marry him and have babies with him (and of course the despair that comes from not being able to actually have babies with him), that was who and what Chris had become. I suppose I’ve matured since then, but the truth is fear is holding me back.
Michael and I work together, or rather given the nature of EMS, we see eachother at work. Like any true romance, it started out purely third grade. I accused him of looking like Mr. Rogers, he accused me of being a tranvestite hooker (not in so many words), harsh as that sounds its par for the course in EMS but I digress. That wasn’t all we ever accused each other of, I do remember telling him the porn star stache was a bad idea but again I digress. Fast forward to Christmas and I get a “merry fucking Christmas” from him on Christmas Eve. He didn’t even acknowledge the holiday with anyone else but me. I was like OMG, he really likes me. Maybe it’s a little overly dramatic, but its me and you know how I am. 🙂
Since then, he and I have become really close, I was the one he was excited to tell he passed the written test for his paramedic and again for his skills test or more recently the only one he excitedly told how he and his partner saved a patient in cardiac arrest. Now to be fair, his common greeting is showing me his middle finger, to which the other day I retorted “So is that your way of saying ‘I love you’?” His reply was, a yeah, whatever. Not quite what I would have expected I suppose.
I want so much to feel like I can love Michael. Different then things with Chris, I’m open enough at work that the debate is whether I’m transitioning from male to female or female to male. Whatever he thinks, he has to know I’m “not like the other boys” and yet he remains interested in being close with me. I want so much to be able to love him and be loved by him as Tristen, the female. Not the boy I pretend to be at work (which isn’t fooling anyone apparently). I just don’t know if he can see past that part of my existence and I don’t want to end up hurt the way I did with Chris.
I can’t decide what hurts worse, not being able to love the person you want or risking loving the person you want and being hurt anyways.