I’m not Jerry Garcia fan, but that feels like what much of my absence from blogging has been.  Mostly I blame it on an overabundance of topics to write about and the lack of an ability to focus on one enough to fill out an entire blog post.  Well, it sounded good anyways.

Road Trip!

Road Trip! (Photo credit: -Snugg-)

Though as I look back over my posts, I feel like most of the early ones had to do with conceptualizing who I was as a transfeminine person, where the later ones evolve to implementing, or at least expressing my trans* indentity.  In that time, even my language has changed.Let’s see, I left off with small victories.  Oddly enough, shortly after that, the bottom fell out of my non-relationship with Chris.  I loved him with all my heart for the better part of three years, and pretty much he walked away from it.  I know now, he never loved me back, but like the 15 year old girl I am (emotionally), I was too in love with him to see it.  Excuses get made about being too busy, but I seem to be the only one he’s too busy to spend time with.  Oh well, I’ve gotten over it – I have my moments, but I’ve taken a fairly mature approach to things and I see him for what, and who, he is.

As this new wave of maturity swept over me, my work partner to who I’m now completely out questioned why I wasn’t wearing more girly things.  I rolled my eyes, I did say I was more mature, but I can still be immature, and explained how seeing as males and females wear the same uniform, the uniform has no gender.  My partner is super cool with everything, and seems to have provoked me off the gender plateau I felt like I was on (he’s good at that – provoking me).  To prove a point I wore a beloved pair of boy shorts the next shift.  The happiness was infinite and pandoras box was opened.

If you haven’t guessed, I wore a sports bra next and never looked back.  Granted not everything I wear is “girls stuff”, at work and everywhere else, but they’re things like unisex hoodies and such.  My therapist doesn’t see it as full time, but really all that’s left is changing my name and pronouns, as over simplistic as that sounds.

This time last week, I was really having a hard time validating my gender identity.  Yeah, you can dress the part, but when its all you have to prove your femaleness, to yourself, it gets dysphoric.  I had two watershed moments this week.  I needed to try again with my hair and I needed to move the nose job up ASAP.  The hair I took care of Wednesday and the nose job, well I have consults scheduled for a couple weeks from now (which was as ASAP as I could make it).  Talk about lurching forward from the plateau!

As for my hair, I got an appointment at a GLBT friendly salon and told her sideswept bangs and layers.  I would have totally told her I was trans, but it was crowded and no so crowded I wouldn’t have avoided coming out to the whole place, which I wasn’t in the mood to do.  Anyways, it works, really well.  So much I went back yesterday and had her do my eyebrows.  All I asked for was thinned out, cleaned up and arched.  I’d like them a little thinner next time, but they go along way towards minimizing the male in me.  I’m a totally different person this week from a week ago, I totally see so much more of the female in me (yay HRT!).

Coincidentally, I visited my parents last month, after being introduced I couldn’t help but giggle at how often people told me how much I look like my mother as I get older.  I think my mom must have been pretty cute (as mom’s go) because I see so much of her in me now and I’m pretty cute too.  It occurred to me though, one of those “duh!” kind of moments, who else did I expect to look like when I first started all of this.

Also on Wednesday, my therapist decided, rather announced, “I think you’re ready to change your name.”  I’ve used Tristen as much as possible since I settled on it in back in November.  Almost to the point of exclusively at this point.  Still though it’s not something I want to rush in to, not so much that I’m not ready, but are all the people (most of whom know nothing) in my life ready for it.  Complicating that also is the need to disclose regarding the nose job.  Its one thing to say that I’m getting one, “I hate my nose” and another to say that getting the nose I want combined with the effects of HRT pretty much means the days of being “sirred” are over.  Two major disclosures that need to happen pretty quickly I suppose.  It’s times like this I wish I didn’t suck at coming out.

I’m so happy to have moved as far forward as I have, I hope I’m not moving too fast, but I don’t want to back up or slow down at this point either.  I’ve got another couple milestones this week, I still have to come out to the lesbian couple at work who are my new best friends (they know me as gay) and I’m planning on going to my first support group meeting – something I swore I would never do.  I see next weekend’s post is already writing itself.