English: Passing place on Tinsel Lane

I decided this would be my “Life in the Passing Lane” update seeing as well, I don’t know.  It’s not like I’m passing, but I’m continuing boldly down the path to full transition.  Boldly.  I like that, I have no idea what I’m doing that’s so bold, but it’s attention getting.  After diving in head first into wearing my beloved Old Navy jeans in front of Chris, I can proudly report the only comment I’ve gotten thus far is “those jeans make you look like a skater boy”.  I have no idea how a nearly 40 year old (I’m rounding up for dramatic effect) could like anything like a skater boy, but if that’s the worst thing I hear I’m happy.

My point of “life in the passing lane” is such that the extent I care that I pass, I care that I can be left alone to wear the clothes I like to wear and not be bothered for my choices.

I think I’d end it there, but I’ve found myself today feeling like what I’ve done thus far (in the few weeks I’ve done it) isn’t enough and I find myself looking for ways to further, well, reject the male I once was.  My therapist suggests I get a “dyke haircut”, I’m intrigued, I’ve got some ideas, and its something I’m working on.  I spent today looking for “chunky boots” to go with my beloved Old Navy jeans with no luck.  I turned to Warby Parker to find some thick framed glasses I’ve so desired, there’s not much else I can justify at the moment in pushing things forward and yet it’s not enough.

Maybe here’s the part where I merge the two posts I’m working on in my head.  I laid there today, thinking how far I have to go – despite how far I’ve come.  I’m seemingly incapable of loving anyone as much as I love Chris, who likes me, cares about me, but doesn’t seem to be able to love me back.  My body, while hardly male anymore, is hardly female.  I’d all but given up on finding a mate before I started transition – now it’s my biggest desire and yet my greatest fear.  I like myself for being female, I like how I relate to males (and the occasional female) under the influence of HRT, I just want someone in my life that feels the same way about me as I do.  That as happy as transition progress makes me – never being able to attain the thing I desire the most, represented by all that is Chris, will leave me more depressed and broken then I was before.