Chris casually mentioned via Twitter that he’d love some Nutella brownies for his birthday. If you’ve read any of this blog, I can already sense you rolling your eyes. Yes, I made Chris Nutella brownies. Because, when you love someone it’s not enough to buy them everything they asked you for their birthday (plus a few surprises). When they want brownies, you make them brownies.  Not quite the way to start a post on how I’ve come to realize just how much I depend on Chris for my emotions.Implosion Sequence Crop 4

Let me take you back to last weekend when I was starting to suspect Chris was in the process of abandoning me. Logically I could feel my emotions starting to collapse. If you know my history with Chris, you know I get moody and depressed if I don’t see him for a while and we don’t text – conversely my world stops spinning the second he texts me. I know it’s not healthy, that’s why I’m writing this post.Anyhow, with my emotions collapsing I turned to Google. Sure enough, I know, now, that I’m co-dependent on Chris. Heck, I probably have a Dependent Personality Disorder. Most of all, I know it’s not healthy.

I know this because of what happened next.

Wednesday, as my abandonment fears worsened, Chris tweeted a picture that left me convinced that he was with the girl he’s been interested in for the last month. My eyes glazed over, not only was he slowly abandoning me, but he was doing it favor of my arch nemesis, who I simply couldn’t compete with. That’s what I thought and the last of my emotions collapsed like a building being imploded. I crawled off to bed and cried myself to sleep.

I spent Thursday depressed, withdrawn, not eating. I knew what it felt like to live with a broken heart. My partner, while not the most in tune with his emotions, could tell I was suffering. He knows me well enough to know it was Chris related. How quickly it changed when Chris texted me towards the end of the day and I had my “well, duh” moment. He’s not abandoning me, he’s out of school at the moment and spending time with his friends that he doesn’t get during the school year. Honestly, I don’t know who he was with the other night, right now I don’t care.

I rolled my eyes at my own stupidity and I was suddenly animated, engaged and most of all hungry again.

I now know too well that it’s just not healthy for my emotions to be that dependent on Chris. I don’t love him any less and I imagine his eyes will light up when he sees me again this week. I need to work on my emotional dependence on him, I know that. I wouldn’t want to be in a relationship with me under those circumstances. I think I’ve got a good start on healthy boundaries with him though, I’m a little less fickle if I we don’t text regularly. The subject of SRS (I know many other, better, terms for the procedure, but EVERYONE knows that one) came up the other night. Without hesitation, I knew the one person I wanted to be there for me was Chris. I got a little emotional; I guess its proof of just how much I love him. Either that or with all kinds of tubes and things either going into or out of my crotch I want to be able to ask him, “How about now?”

That’s something I’m still working on.

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