Truthiness comic

Truthiness comic (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I considered calling this update “Underpants Gnomes”. As you may or may not recall, the Underpants Gnomes of South Park fame had a plan for taking over the world. Step one was to steal all the underpants, step three was to take over the world. As the time of the South Park episode, they hadn’t quite figured out step two yet. Seeing as we’re not ruled by Underpants Gnomes, I’d assume they still haven’t figured out step two.That’s pretty much how I feel about the oft dreaded “full time”. I hate most of the clichés associated with the transgender community. I’m not “becoming the woman I was always meant to be.” I’m not “a woman trapped in a man’s body” (and I’m certainly not “yearning to be free” from said body), just as much I will not recover from the final surgery and declare “now I am a woman”. In that same regard, I hate the notion of full time. I’m fortunate that both my current jobs have gender neutral uniforms, or rather males and females wear the same uniform, button down shirts have too much “gender” for me to feel comfortable wearing them, so for now it’s hoodies and jeans. Over the summer it was polos. My jeans need to be replaced, and all I’ve really been interested in is women’s jeans. So the concept of “full time” is rather blurry for me.

So this post really is about depression, and a response to transforming*mom (gratuitous shout out noted). The depression of the last month is grounded itself in “truthiness”and that’s how you title a blog. If only this were the end of the post, but since it’s about truthiness – the post continues.

I’ve been depressed about a number of things. I restarted Celexa last month, it’s helping. The craziness of last month (the holidays, crazy busy at work and full time school) has passed – the depression had not. I’d talked quite extensively with my mother regarding our relationship, both past and present, while visiting my parents at Christmas. Given that injecting estrogen is seriously accelerating things, I really need to fully come out to my parents and therein lies the problem. In the midst of our discussions, I recalled my mother many years ago saying “you have this whole secret life I know nothing about.” She’s right.

As a transkid growing up in the 80s I was shamed into keeping my feelings, my gender expression, soon enough everything, secret. Things only got worse after I decided at 12 that I “needed to be a girl” was a girl. I don’t’ blame my parents; they did the best they could. Can I blame society? Sure. But where would I start. The point is I learned to keep secrets, I learned to lie. Even to myself. How can I be expected to be honest with my mom, if I can’t be honest with myself? I told her that, which she seemed to accept. Hopefully we’re working towards where we need to be.

If it were that simple, this post would have ended there too. As I think about the relationships in my life, I realize I’ve lied in most, rather all of them (there I go again being “flexible with the truth” as I’ve been fond of saying). That’s a good starting point; I’ve lived my life always being flexible with the truth. I told the people in my life (those close to me and not so close) what I thought they needed to hear, even when it meant lying to them. I told myself what I needed to hear, even when it meant lying to me. Its how I’ve survived for most of my life, hiding from the truth and in turn hiding from myself. And that’s depressing.

Am I a habitual liar, am I co-dependent, do I have a Dependent Personality Disorder? I’ve used all these terms to describe myself over the last week.

It’s been two years since I accepted my transgender identity, exactly 4 people know about this. I suck at coming out. I suck at coming out because the truth is so hard for me to tell and that’s depressing. My goal is to be simply Tristen by the end of the year and that means more truth in my life, even if it means the loss of relationships I built on lies – and that’s depressing (you thought I was going to say something else?).

So maybe the Underpants Gnomes couldn’t figure out step two, I can. The only way to reach across the divide is to commit to more truth in my life, regardless of the consequences. That’s the only way for me to move forward and to the place I really want to be – simply Tristen.