CATFIGHT!! (Photo credit: tamdotcom)

I still struggle with my relationship with Chris.  Despite what I wrote on Thanksgiving, he texted me later that day and I was in love with him again.  I know it’s toxic (for me at least) on some level.  I saw him again earlier this week and then again yesterday.  Me telling my partner, “Remember how I said I was going to break it off with Chris?  Yeah, I’m helping him with a project this weekend.”

It’s not just that I love Chris, I adore him.  He has a girlfriend, it’s not me.  My partner asks what it will be like when/if I meet her.  Total cat fight I say.  What about when he asks you to be the best man at his wedding? I don’t even want to think about it.  I know enough to know Chris is a long way from marriage, that’s all that quiets the panic I feel over that.

I shouldn’t love Chris, I know all the reasons why it won’t work between us; but it seems like the harder I try not to, the more I love him.  On some level, I know Chris loves me back – it’s not just my delusions, there’s a real sense that what he feels is love.  Or at least its attraction (guys are pretty straight foward in that regard).  Does he wonder why he loves me (given that I still present as male) or does he just “go with it”? I don’t know that I’m afraid to love someone else, or I just simply don’t want to.

Neither of us is in a position that I can try to explain things to him as they are.  Maybe its for the best, maybe we should just enjoy the affection we have for eachother and I can just hold on to hope for the next couple years.