English: Woman with bob-cut with finger-waves,...I hate my hair.  No, not all hair.  Heck I’m quite pleased to announce I’ve all but defeated my body hair.  As busy a schedule as I have, I’ve established a Sunday night bath tradition.  I take the time and shave what needs to be shaved.  It obeys, from one week to the next there’s little more than stubble.   It’s the hair on my head that brings me such angst.

It’s not the hair itself, though I wish it were thicker.  It’s everything it represents.  I so desperately want mid-length shaggy hair.  It would totally go with my tomboy personality, like to the extent that everything I’m waiting to become seems to hinge on it.

I have my seventh job interview since August this week.  Seeing as I’m still in male mode, I have to play the part and that means getting a haircut.  Of course about August my hair was like all of one month from perfect and now it seems like every time I get a little length back I have to get it cut again for yet another job interview.  In so many ways, it’s a horrid reminder of I’m not where I want to be.  Today I got my haircut, it’s depressing, it hurts (not physically, emotionally).  Invariably, I end up pulling at it once the torture of the actual hair cut is over – as if some how I can pull it back out to the length it was.

Every time I apply for a job I get a little frustrated checking the “male” box – still more reminders of what I’m not.  Sure I could choose not to disclose my gender, but with the job market as it is I’m not taking any chances.  Even more, I cringe every time it asks for previous names.  I know that once I do go full time, it’s likely it’ll be at the last employer I’ll ever have.  Maybe someday before I retire, employers will be open minded enough to not reject an applicant named Susan that lists Bob as a previous name.

I’m finishing my Master’s Degree.   I should be happy at the life that lies before me and yet, so far, it’s nothing but anxiety and stress.  In the end, it’s not that I hate my hair.  It’s that I hate that it’s representing all that’s wrong in my life right now.

Advertisements