Thinking

I hated my voice for the first time the other day.  Of all places it was in my therapist’s office.  There I was quite proud of myself and all the progress I’d made since the last time I’d seen him and the littlest thought in my head of “Wow, I really don’t like my voice” crept in.  On the ride home, the thought got loud enough to sound like “I HATE MY VOICE!”  Admittedly, I’m being a little overly dramatic, theatrical is what I think better writers call it, but it’s just one of many things in this place I call “Between”.

I don’t want to write a post about my voice, at least not this post, its average for a male, I can push it into the low end of the female range; I just need to work on holding it there.  But I’ve never had the disdain for it I did a couple of days ago; it was just another part of me, neither good nor bad.  Now I suppose add it to the list of things I want to distance myself from and you find yourself in “Between”.

To give credit where it’s due, transparentguy got me thinking about life in “Between”.  I hate it.  I’m happy to be here.  I don’t want to be here, but I don’t want to be where I was.  At any random moment, I’m likely to tell you any of the above.

I hate being here.  Quite simply, I was thinking today, why can’t I just be the person (read:  girl/woman/female) that I’m supposed to be, marry Chris and live happily ever after like I’m supposed to?  I hate being here.  Here is neither.  Neither where I was nor where I’m going.  I’m glad I’m beyond where I came from, but I just wish I wasn’t at this stagecoach stop and I was where I was going already so I could truly get on with my life.

I promise I won’t bore you with all the details, but I smell different, guys smell different, they’re appealing to me in completely different ways.  Colors make me happy (especially pink and purple)?   I’m, dare I say, a little boy crazy even (which is way better than the 12 y/o drama queen I used to be BTW).  Do you know how frustrating it is to have to remind myself, “Despite the fact that he’s a totally cute straight boy, he’s not going to understand why you’re flirting with him.”?  Living in “Between” sucks, I just wish I was in a place where at least I socially matched what my biochemistry was telling me.

Like Dr.  Jekyll and Ms.  Hyde, I’m happy some days to be here all the same.   I don’t know that I ever made it here during my last transition, despite being a year ahead of where I am now.  Rushing and having a bad track record of actually remembering to take my meds probably had something to do with that.  Either way, I don’t remember going through any of this the last time.  Maybe it’s that taking my time is making me more aware of being in “Between”.  And that’s more progress than I ever felt I made the last time.  I’m happy to be here, because here is not there (where I started from).

Where I was is a place I never want to return to.  “Between” isn’t the best place to be, but it’s a better place than the one I was in even a year ago.  I know being even just here, I’m a much more complete, complex even, person then I ever was before.  I like who I’m becoming in “Between”.  As I write this, it occurs to me that life in “Between” is a part of the process and just as soon as I’m moving out, someone new will be moving in.  I hope my time in “Between” is short, I want to move on, and yet I know I’m not ready to.  Maybe just knowing that is the first step towards moving on.

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