What is next?

I started my latest therapy session with that thought and even now I’m not really sure I know the answer. By way of my absence for the last couple months, faithful reader (yeah, singular, does anyone actually read my rants?), a crash course on what I’ve been up to for the last couple months – or at least the parts I assume you’re interested in.
I
have officially started Estrogen! This after two months of anti-androgens. I won’t discuss dosages, there’s plenty of that information available elsewhere. While I admit to being a DIYer in the past, and maybe like being an ex-smoker (I’m one of those two), I can’t, or rather, won’t facilitate someone else’s DIY. I guess this marks a transition of sorts for “Regan’s Gender Journal”. I’ll have to check it, but I think the tag line is something about me exploring my gender. I’m not so sure I can be that ambiguous anymore. I am female, I’ve always been female, I’ll always be female. I just need to make a few corrections. Interestingly enough, my testosterone levels were 197 – less then 1/3rd what they should be for a male my age. I’ll never convince anyone else of it, but being that I was asymptomatic for low testosterone as a male, there’s only one possible solution – I have (or by now had) high testosterone levels for a woman.

But I digress, maybe, but not really. I’ve hit all my major milestones so far. I’ve been in therapy (for a year actually). I’m on a full course of HRT – so yeah “what’s next?” Truthfully, I still am struggling with coming out. Struggling is putting it nicely, outside of my electrologist and the medical professionals treating me I’ve come out to exactly no one.

Why is this such a struggle for me? Well it took all fourty five minutes of my session to declare that the irony of the situation is that I had largely rejected a male persona, yet I was fearful of what people’s reactions would be over the “details” (yeah the wearing women’s clothing thing) of transitioning. There’s a certain degree of irony, as I write this, knowing that if nothing else people are going to notice the effects of estrogen sooner or late. Oh on a side note, it took 9 days, 9 DAYS, for my first estrogen induced sob fest. Not even full on crying, snot running out of my nose – just wiping away the tears women are so good at getting.

So what’s next? I need to start telling people – soon. I think I need three lists, the people I’ll tell sooner, the people I’ll tell later and the people I’ll probably never tell (a short list really) and just drift out of their lives. What else can I tell them if I can’t tell them the best thing I can do for myself is to be the woman I am and all that it means.

For the record, I’m confident in my tomboyishness…this should be interesting. 🙂

 

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