There’s an easy way to strike fear, absolute terror in the heart of anyone transgendered. Well anyone MtF at least. One word is all it takes. Autogynephilia. While it’s largely discredited as junk science, the impact it’s had on the transgendered community has been epic. At the same time I find it hard to believe that there is no analogy for the FtM community. I’m no feminist, but it does seem just a tad, um, sexist towards women (both cis and trans).

Left OUT Party A variety of protestors came, i...
Anyhow, I wouldn’t be writing any of this if I didn’t have my own paralyzing fears of being labeled as such myself. I think I entered therapy deathly afraid of it. I know I still am.

I feel good about the progress I’ve made and it is quite relieving to be able to talk about what’s in my head both here, the online forum I’ve become a part of and my therapist’s office. I worry I put my foot in my mouth yesterday in talking about my childhood longing to be a girl.

To understand what I mean, understand there are two sides to the path. On one side is the autogynephile, on the other end is the “transgender narrative”. Just as autogynephilia is one extreme, so too is the transgender narrative. The transgender narrative is what every good transgender boy and girl learned to repeat not so long ago in order to navigate their way through the gatekeeper system. Almost like reading your life story from notecards, you learned what to say and how to say it to convince the gatekeepers that you were indeed transgendered enough to warrant the path to surgical correction. These days, most therapists are well versed in both extremes. Maybe it’s just me, but I fear running aground, in not so many words, on either bank.

After yesterday’s session, I feel like I’m spending an inordinate amount of time focusing on my childhood. I get it; I desperately wanted to be a girl when I was growing up. Reading the right books, desiring the right things and dreaming of the day you would indeed be a girl is not the same thing as taking steps towards actually doing it and now here I am.

The point is this. Judge me for what and who I am. Who am I? I’m still working on that, but I do know that I like the things I’ve done to myself, my body, to express my femaleness. Yes femaleness, not my “feminine side”, not my feminity, my femaleness. I’m tired of replaying my childhood when it really seems to serve no purpose, at this point, towards moving me forward. I like taking the steps I have taken and I want to take more. It’s not enough to shave my body hair, let the hair on my head grow out and shape my finger nails. It makes me feel better about my “situation”, but it doesn’t move me any closer to being female and that’s what I know of myself. I am female.

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