tights

Am I A “Tights Enthusiast”? After watching a certain Tide commercial a couple times, it has come to my attention that I might just be. The more I think about it, the more I see it as a snapshot of the life I might have had as a girl that age (regardless of being male or female bodied). It serves as an interesting concept given my recent rejection of the “tomboy” label I’d given myself previously. At the same time, it’s just more proof to me that had I had a chance to be validated as a girl at that age it’s a path I would have continued to follow (male bodied or otherwise).

Being “not a tomboy”, I’m not sure I would have been a “girly girl” either had I been given a chance to grow up that way. I can’t help but feel at least a little depressed that I never got the chance to be the girl in the commercial though. On some level, I’m actually fascinated at how strongly I find myself identifying with her.

I’m frustrated too, that should I follow the path to “full time”, I don’t really have the chance to experience girlhood, instead I’m being thrust right in to being a near middle age woman. While it is possible, I looked, to buy what, for an adult, would be essentially considered novelty tights, it’s not the same for an adult to be a “tights enthusiast” as it is for an elementary school girl. I never got to outgrow a phase I never got to grow into.

That too is an interesting term “woman”, I hardly ever use it. In fact I only used it in a sentence because that’s the classic term most people understand. I prefer to refer to my identity as female. I’m certainly too old to be a girl and I think it’s a little demeaning to refer to an adult female as such. My mother is a woman, she’s in her sixties. I’m not in my sixties, I’m not a woman. I never got a chance to be a girl either and I can’t help but wonder how that would have shaped my life. We all want to believe we would have been pretty and popular, “if only we’d been raised as a girl”. Me I’d settle for being the unpopular fat girl if I could have just been a girl. I could lose weight; I could come to terms with being unpopular. At the very least I could express myself as a “tights enthusiast”. There was nothing I could do with my boy body but sit on the sidelines.

How do I come to terms with the girlhood I missed out on? I alluded earlier to having found that it was possible for an adult to buy tights similar to the ones I love so much in the commercial. Is there anything stopping me from buying them? I had said I wasn’t interested in cross-dressing since I felt it would just make the depression worse, that it certainly wouldn’t make me feel more female it would just remind me that much more of my maleness. Maybe it’s time to change that way of thinking. Truthfully I feel pretty committed to it in fact. If I don’t claim my lost girlhood experiences on my own terms, like indulging my inner “tights enthusiast” who else will? How else will I be a well-adjusted female in her 30s if I don’t do what I can to experience the moments in my life that I missed out on by not living as a female sooner?

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